Real Housewives of NYC Try To Give Us The Old Shamwow

Photo credit: hometownhollywood

I've not said anything about this week's "Real Housewives of NYC" as a form of protest. It's really dismaying to have accomplished thirty years of informercial-less television viewing only to have it all ruined by the goils hawking their wares at me like a pack of well-heeled gypsies. I'm hoping the producers figured they'd cram all the sales pitches into one epi and we can be done with it all.

And by all I'm referring to Bethenny's muffins, Jill's fabric kingdom, Ramona's Jesus bling and lightening elixir for the face (is anyone testing that stuff?), and of course Countess Luann's book of manners in which one can dare to dream she teaches us how to say passive-agressively rude things to people and make it all ok by calling them "mysweet" or "mylove" at the end. I love when she pulls that shiz. Poor Alex was the only one not pitching us something. Instead the ten minutes that we did see Silex featured Simon pitching a hell of a hissy. Even that wasn't as fun as it should have been. In fact, Angry Simon kind of scared me. I learned I don't like my Simon seething and full of impotent rage. Give me just the regular harmless Van Kempen impotence with the usual side of creepy and pale.

Oh! I almost forgot about Killer Kelly's offering. No, not those owls that don't belong to her. I'm talking about Max the Argentine (MTA for short). More of these two together would be a good thing. It's funny counting how many sentences they manage that are above an elementary school age comprehension level (Hint: You'll only need one hand). And how about Brad's reaction to MTA at the Zarin in-store cocktail party. It was like he was gay Gollum and MTA was The Ring. Fall back, Brad. Fall back!

Tids & Bits: Blago, Chuck Bass and Kellamity FTW!

• Upper East meets West Wing. Mr. Bass goes to Washington (Daily Intel).

• WHO did Kellamity think she was fooling claiming that owl jewelry as her own? Well, that's for the judge to decide. Maybe she can become Bravo's special legal correspondent with all this hands on courtroom experience she's getting lately. (Guest of a Guest via HuffPo).
  

• Oprah gets her tweet on. Because this is a Twitter story, there's the obligatory reference to either John Mayer or Ashton Kutcher. Yes, that's right. It's time for "Guess the Obnoxious Boy Toy!"(Huffington Post).
  

• Speidi, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Janice Dickinson and Blago sign up for "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Outta Here." Costa Ricans prepare for lots of rain as their jungle attempts to wash away the ewww. (OK via TV tattle)

Can I Have a Zrbtt? -- Growing Up Cosby

Happy Birthday, Daddy. I zrbtt you.

It's The TellyPhile Themesong Throwback!

Happy First Beautiful Day of Spring and three cheers for scrappy orphans. I went with the Season 2 open because it was more representative of the Punky experience.

As Seen on TV: Ted from "Scrubs" Covers "Hey Ya"

And it's really really cool.

Drew Reunites With Letterman and Her Fierceness

Did you see Drew Barrymore on Dave Wednesday night defining the late night guest walk-on? It rivaled pre-Moder Julia. Not only did she and Dave engage in a little flirting before she even made it to the chair--he kissed both her hands, she reverently bowed--but she looked effing fierce!

You could tell from the way she walked and posed, expertly showing off her teeny waist against those volumnious sleeves, that she knew it too. It made me happy to see her looking so good. Lately she'd been trying out really messy hair that she was kinda/sorta/not really pulling off. This night, she was a movie star at full supernova wattage, and she didn't even have to flash her headlights. Loved it.

Simpsons Screengrab Blog Ensures You'll Never Get Any Work Done Again

Smartypants bible Mental Floss' blog turned me on to "Eye on Springfield," a wicked piece of blog candy that features screengrabs from "The Simpsons" during seasons 1-9 "...when it was still funny".

Remember, you need your job.

Bill O'Reilly, Lincoln Log Enthusiast, Baffled by Super Mario Bros.

This is the clip (props to Boing Boing) that keeps on giving. There is layer upon layer of time-capsule fun to be had so prepare yourself.




Takeaways:

• I could bathe in the insincerity of Bill O'Reilly's "nice guy anchor" routine I love it so much. Come on, Bill. You know you wanna "DO IT LIVE!"
  

• "Have you ever heard of Nintendo?" "No. Who's he?"
  

• How is Howard Phillips, "Fun Club President", keeping these days?
  

• The Hammer Brothers still make me a little sick to my stomach.

• Nintendo flack Bill White showing off his double major in Nefarious Laughter/Bullshit Peddling: "--wooohahaha--Some questions just have no answers." Shut up, Bill.
  

• Ron Leingang's hair and Billy "King of Kong" Mitchell's hair need to have a playdate.
  

Lipsynching Craig Ferguson + Gang of Puppets = Cold Open Dopeness

I love how this Scotsman rolls, with a gang of puppets and a large black man. "Late Late Show" host Craig Ferguson continues to dominate when it comes to his refreshingly random cold opens. Saw this the night before last and prayed to the television gods that video would become available. It took a day, but Videogum makes TellyPhile dreams come true. The song is Michael Franti's "Say Hey (I Love You)". Nice way to start the morning, no? Dance, cubicle monkeys, dance!

Could Fox's "Glee" Be Good?

Your answer to that question probably depends on which promo you've seen and how much you love Jane Lynch, even in small doses (I thought she owned "Role Models"). Fox's decision to put a musical series on television takes balls of considerable size. That kind of moxie alone is enough to make me tune in for the preview that will follow American Idol on May 19th.

Others might say the fact that on more than one occasion I spent the night on a February-cold sidewalk in Boston's theater district for RENT tickets an even more likely reason. That's right. Just as you suspected, my college years are a sordid, tawdry blur. Wait until I tell you about the time we watched like an entire season of "Sex and the City" in one night.

Watch this promo, which on second viewing I'm digging even more. "Glee" could have just the right blend of true-blue corn mixed with Jane Lynch on a megaphone smartassedness. I'm down.

No He Di'nt! Mike Barnicle Calls Unrelated Black "Hardball" Panelists "Twins"

Seriously.

My favorite snaggle-toothed former fabricator who somehow gets to be a moderator on MSNBC, Mike Barnicle, was subbing for Chris tonight on "Hardball". His panel consisted of the Chicago Tribune's Clarence Page and WaPo's Eugene Robinson. Both are bespectacled black newsmen. Apparently, these similarities were too much to take for Barnicle. As he was going to break he called them his "wisdom twins". Hmmm...I bet it's not only their smarts that looked the same to you, was it Mr. Barnacle! I'm mostly kidding, but it still made me shake my head.

It's bad enough this guy calls BO President "Obamer". Come on!

Is It Just TellyPhile? : Zac Efron Edition

I have no reason to be around any tweens so Zac Efron's "17 Again" media blitz is my first time being exposed to the little tyke beyond those times that Perez Hilton chooses to salivate over him. His appearance earlier this week on "The View" was my first time seeing Zac in action.

My assessment: He's perfectly nice and there are worse things in a Disney tween star. Despite the surfover hairstyle and the inappropriate ripped jeans, he's not that slick either, witness his assessment of the difference between American and European fans when they scream over him - "In France and Italy they shout a whole bunch of stuff at you that you don't necessarily understand." Tell me about it. Those crazy France people with their France talk! So he's not so good at talking when it isn't on a cue card or set to music. I say let the chubby intellects have the wit and charm since you were born with that built-in EZ Pass you call a face. Very fair arrangement. At least he knows enough to diss Disney and avoid the "Footloose" mistake remake.

But back to that face. It took me this long to get to my whole reason for posting. During the interview I knew he reminded me of someone female. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. What chick does Z remind me of? And then finally it hit me. Zac Efron could pass for the lost lovechild of Laura Bush! Is it just TellyPhile or are you guys with me? :

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Willis?

 
We do have complete teabag coverage tonight, but we're saving it for later.

                 -- Keith Olbermann, beside himself with smugness, as he prepares to report on Fox News' cheerleading of the unfortunately-named Teabag Movement. The teabagging is planned for tomorrow to protest Obama's (stimulus) package.Titter, titter.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about click here.

Idol with Quentin Tarantino, Your Best Bet for Primetime Weirdness

I'm all over it. If for some unfathomable reason you aren't yet, please allow me to rectify this ridiculous turn of events:



The results show should be decent too. Jennifer Hudson will return to the show that made her and Miley Cyrus will give making you despise her another shot since she'll be there sucking doing something too.

It's All So Clear Now...Blake Lively: Tranny?

 Photo credit: allure
No, no, no. She's not really a tranny. Come on, that would make Penn Badgley some sort of twink femosexual and who could picture big, hulking Penn as anything but...yikes this sentence is like a runaway train to awkard.

I kid Mr. Badgley. He was actually my original "Gossip Girl" crush before Chuck Bass absconded with my heart like, well, like Chuck Bass.

Back to Blake. I'm feeling an unfamiliar twinge of blogger regret after reading this woeful quote from NY Mag's "Daily Intel" blog. In an upcoming profile in Allure she confesses to stepping out in a size 16 (!!!!!!!) shoe. As someone who wears a size 10 my heart and sole (yeah, yeah. send pun complaints here) go out to her. Blake goes on to reveal:

I feel like a tranny a lot of the time. I don't know, I'm ... large? They put me in six-inch heels, and I tower over every man. I've got this long hair and lots of clothes and makeup on ... I just feel really big a lot of the time, and I'm surrounded by a lot of tiny people. I feel like a man sometimes.

Blake, do you think you're making the situation any better by kicking it with a sprite of a man with a penchant for delicately woven cardigans? Something to think about. In the meantime, SASHAY!

UPDATE: Ok, so I just realized I read that Daily Intel post too fast. The size 16 thing was a joke. Good. Now I can go back to criticizing her without pity. So there!

White House Press Corps, Literally, Goes to the Dogs

Well, one dog in particular. Yes, Christmas came early, or late, depending on whether you're a "glass half-full or half-empty" kind of person, for cable news this afternoon when the Obamas allowed the White House Press Corps to photograph Bo Obama's homecoming.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I am still startled by how normal our First Family is. Their dynamic is a lot like what went on at my house. You could see Barack had the least to do with this, spouting off things about the dog he'd probably been briefed on while Michelle was the parent holding the leash and getting down in Bo's face to let him know who's boss. Malia and Sasha of course are madly in love as evidenced by Malia's gushing, "He's perfect."

Yes, it's all very heartwarming as long as Tamron Hall and the talking head MSNBC's enlisted to give commentary stay out of the way. Nothing could be more difficult for the cablers than to not put their two cents in and talk over a story as it's happening. They seem deathly afraid that their viewers might come to their own conclusions.

But hang in for the end of the clip, TellyPhiles. The photo op is over, so Barack wanders off in one direction, presumably to get back to running the free world which (cool!) now involves taking out pirates. Sasha says "Bye, Daddy!" And scene....

But what's this?! Barack awkwardly comes back into frame and joins Michelle and the girls as they walk off into the sunset, dog in tow. Running of the free world be damned. The Barackarazzi were going nowhere if they didn't get their moneyshot.

Zac Efron Barely Escapes Molestation on "The View"

 Photo Credit: eonline

Somewhere in New York City right now, Vanessa Hudgens is consoling Zac Efron as he tries to fight back the tears and flashbacks of what just happened to him on "The View". It's hard to know where to start, guys. I was already taking notes for the Whoopi Wardrobe Watch. When I heard Zac was going to be the guest,  I knew this would be a cub-in-the-cougar den TV moment worth sticking around for. God bless 'em. The brood didn't disappoint.

Babs started things off by playing unnecessary hardball with the poor kid. First she disarmed him by telling him how cute he was. It was kind of like watching the witch luring Hansel into her house made of sweets, except instead of sweets, Barbara's house is made of Mickey Mouse. She didn't take too kindly to Zac poking fun at Disney and "High School Musical" while hosting SNL on that other network last Saturday. She hit him hard for the betrayal and verbally bitchslapped him by asking if he thought this was a case of  "biting the hand that feeds you". Fire. We get it, Barbara. You're a company gal. You'll get the gold watch. Down, girl. Zac handled it well, but you could tell everyone else was like WTF??? They didn't let Babs talk much after that.

Oh and I forgot to mention the creepy way Joy adoringly brushed a lock of Zac's distracting I-have-hair-but-I-still-rock-a-combover do out of his face.Did none of the brood get any over the break?

The answer to that question would be answered quite succinctly only moments later when Sherri went "TMI: Cougar Edition" on us and gushed that she fantasized about Zac after seeing him in his movie, "17 Again". Whoopi was the only one with balls enough to say what everyone else was thinking, "Ewwwuh!" and I can't be certain, still waiting for video to be posted to confirm, but I'm pretty sure Zac turned to Whoopi and said something like, "I know, right?" Diss! Sherri was embarassed and tried to insist that the fantasies were, of course, PG. No backsies, Sherri, your cougar's already sprung.

Check back for video of this great moment in "View" history. For now, here's the SNL skit that had Barbara pissed. Zac does a pretty good job.:

As Seen on TV: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs on SNL

Even if you watched with the sound off, the long-legged strangeness and feroche fashion of Yeah Yeah Yeahs frontwoman Karen O on last night's SNL is rock stardom at its best and most beautiful. But, please, I implore you--listen with the sound turned way up high because when Ms. O sings it only gets better.

Especially because their second song was "Maps"! the first Yeah Yeah Yeahs song I ever heard. That opening guitar is so dramatic and KO's voice no matter how many times I hear it, rips my heart out. The fact that they graced us with such an oldie but goodie was the best thing in my Easter basket this morning.