Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Bethenny Owns Kelly on Real Housewives NY Smackdown Episode

I know this is a bit old, but I had to get in on this. Last week's "Real Housewives NYC" will live in reality television infamy. It was an ugly/beautiful work of art that left me giddy and slightly breathless.

Last week's episode was full of more beef than a drag queen's thong. It was such an achievement, I've decided that this single episode warrants the first annual TellyPhile Inside the Episode Awards! Let's see who the winners of our first InEpi's are shall we? Envelope please...

Best Comic Irony...The moment when Bethenny does an impression of Kelly's spazzy, coked-out behavior for bug-eyed Show Spaz Ramona. Classic.

Most Surprising Asshole...Mario. I've always wondered why normal, mild-mannered Mario was with Ramona. The answer? He's not. Mario spent the entire episode dissing Jill for stalling on the tennis match we have to keep hearing about that will apparently be Mario's own private Wimbledon. All the tennis tension comes to a head when a way too aggressive Mario comes face to face with Jill at the Page Six party. I don't know if he got into Kelly's coke or what, but he went after Jill with the tenacity of a middle-aged loser who thinks he's a much better tennis player than he is. At least his tirade gave us the inspiration for our next award... 

Favorite New Catchphrase..."Kick his aaaaass, Waaayne!" This was uttered in Jill's tres Lawng Island accent to her big, black bodyguard after Mario refuses to let up about Wimbledon. It was so perfect. Going forward, this phrase should be used anytime someone gets out of line and is asking for a beatdown. Abbreviation: KHAW. 
Most Inappropriate Wardrobe Choice...The green sweaterdress and pink wellies Kellamity wears to confront Bethenny at the Brass Monkey. What kind of coke-addled never-was wears whimsical pink rain boots when it's not raining to a catfight that they know they're planning on instigating? Furthermore, her choice of ensemble gets even weirder when we find out she's scheduled drinks with her ESL "boyfriend" Maximillano aka Antonio Banderas Jr. afterwards. (Is that why her face looks like that? She's going for Melanie Griffith?) 

When Kellamity Lame asks AJ what he thinks of her boots, I nearly cried with appreciation to the TV gods at his response, "They remind me to the Pink Panther." Best...ever.
Most Appropriate Wardrobe Choice...The suit Gay Brad dons for the Page Six party. It was a white pinstripe zoot suit affair that I'm pretty sure he borrowed from The Squirrel Nut Zippers. On anyone else it would have been ridiculous. On Brad, it was still ridiculous, but exactly as things should be.
Episode Hero...I agonized over this one for a while before realizing that two heroes were better than one so why not make it a tie! Our first hero? Of course it's Bethenny. While Kelly felt it necessary to schedule a meeting with Bethenny for the sole purpose of having a temper tantrum in which she informs Bethenny that "we will never be friends" and that Kelly was here (hand up in the air) and Bethenny was here (hand somewhere down below), our hero Bethenny was calm, cool and quick on her feet. Having a tall glass of crazy like that hurling insults at me in public might have made me cut a bitch, but not Bethenny. Once Kelly was done ranting, Bethenny cooly delivered some disses of her own. My favorite-- "You're making things up to feel better about yourself. It's really hard to watch." She even coined "Kellamity", the perfect new dissname for K.   
Our other hero is Silex. Alex and Simon refused to wear the scarlet letter that Ramona has been trying to pin on them ever since those nude pictures of Alex came out. Not only did Alex hold her own when Ramona tried to shut her up by saying all she does is "deny,deny, deny" by quickly responding in turn, "and you're rude so...", but Silex finally put Ramona and Mario on blast for their holier than thou hypocrisy. Turns out that the bikini-clad chick Ramona was flirting with and kissing on the lips in that Season 1 episode is a former Playboy model. That sound you just heard is Ramona and Mario's glass house breaking into teeny tiny pieces.
Best Revelation...It's a Silex twofer! The first: Alex and Simon's brownstone renovation plans include a rather large framed picture of Alice Cooper with a snake in what I think will be their living room. Their designer tried to make the best of it, swallowed hard and called it "edgy". I call it Nerds Gone Wild.

And last, but certainly not least, Simon admits, "As a kid, I'd read encyclopedias instead of novels." We know, Simon. We know.


  1. I cannot believe that there are any people at all who have a positive reaction to this vain vapid NY dwelling dim-tard whose selfcentered moronic view of the world gives all of us, attractive tall women a definitively bad name. Her self adulating voguing is nauseating.Bleh, vomit inducing, absolutely vomit inducing idiot.

  2. She is vapid...could not agree more. The owl jewelry, the psychotic use of blush, the hideous art collection; the euro trash, the false sense of importance; it is all Kelamity!!! I loath her.....

  3. Kelly, go run in traffic. Better yet how about running against the traffic. Too much exhaust to the brain.