On yesterday's "Oprah Show", The Win traded the safe ensconcement of the Harpo
You'll remember them as the Mormon sect that had all their babies snatched by the federal government because their leader is creepier than Mr. Carlson in that disturbing "Different Strokes" molestation episode, and allegedly likes to marry 12 year old girls. Also the ladies rock out in decidedly un-glamish prairie frocks, refuse to do anything about their caterpillar brows and are bumpin it with the best of them via these really crazy, plaited Priscilla Presley meets Patsy Cline meets Princess Laya hair don'ts. Oh and they like to kick it "Big Love" style with sister wives galore. So yeah, imagine the terrific, visual weirdness of ALL THAT with Oprah mixed in. It was TV utopia. I get a little choked up thinking about it.
Here are some of the things that filled my TellyPhile heart with glee:
- Oprah's false eyelashes. So long, so lustrous, so inappropriate outside of a television studio. Yes!
- Seeing O in her casual wear and ponytail. It's like the first time you see one of your teachers wearing jeans. Who knew?
- Alpha Oprah. Oprah and the YFZ spokesman are conducting an interview outside and it's raining. In the first couple of shots, the spokesman, a tall hunk of a man, is holding the umbrella over both of them. By the last shot, Dame O has wrastled the umbrella away from him. The camera angle is such that you can see all of the rain drops that have pelted and dampened the man's back whilst Oprah remains nice and dry, fully sheltered by the umbrella's ample arch. Diva!
- O finds out that the wee YFZs aren't taught anything that
isn't batshit crazy"doesn't have a purpose" and this includes fairytales. Oprah comes up with a new parlor game, "Ask a WeeZee," in which she asks the YFZ youngins way too many times if they know this fairytale or that popular cartoon character. Turns out, "Ask a WeeZee" gets a little tedious because the answer is always "cricket, cricket". Growing tired of her game with human pawns, as royals often do, O decides to shake things up a bit and posits whether or not they've heard of Shrek. When as usual, the children only fidget uncomfortably in response, she ventures, "Shrek 2?" LOL Oh, Oprah, you condescending kidder, you!
- Unlike Lisa Ling who runneth over with Anderson Cooper-style gravitas when she did her "Oprah Show" special reports about YFZ, Oprah kept it real. She asked if it was true they hated black people, how the sister wives kept from clawing each other's eyes out and said stuff like "Let's eat, ya'll."
- Oprah says that her idea of heaven is fresh baked homemade bread. Me too, Oprah. Me too.
- There's a sitdown with a handful of teenage girls. O asks, "Are you allowed to date? Do you know what date means?" Looks like they do have sarcasm at YFZ because one girl pipes up: "You can date your papers!" Yes! I'll take "Mormons who DISS" for 200, Alex. A little "WeeZee" retribution. Be careful though little Chloe Sevigny. Don't incur the wrath of O, or she'll send you to her girls' school in Africa and then you'll really know what sexual abuse is...allegedly. I'm sorry, Oprah. Please don't take my blog.
- She asked about the hair! You got to give it to Oprah. She knows how to ask the question we all are thinking without making her subject feel like they're being insulted (even if they are a little). That's the stuff TV empires are made of, folks. UPDATE: Video via HuffPo
- Oprah is asking about the Amish prom dresses they all like to rock out in. One girls says that though they may look uniform to outsiders, to them their dresses all look different because of subtle variations. The girl explains they'll often admire one another's Amprom and ask "Where'd you get your dress?" Oprah laughs in their faces before she responds, "Really??" Oprah: The Original Meangirl.
- Oprah (still on the dresses): What do you swim in?/The girls: Our dresses./ Oprah: You don't get very far do you? Real nice, Alpha Oprah. If they didn't like black people before, I bet they love us now. UPDATE: Here's the video via Huffington Post.