Thursday, May 15, 2008

America's Next Top "Juicy Booty"

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So last night was the "America's Next Top Model" finale and that lardass Whitney won making ANTM history as the first plus-size model to go all the way. Ratings were the best of the season. All you BBW's don't get your XXL bloomies in a bunch over the lardass remark. Homegirl is a size 10 which makes her a waif in a lot of those states in the middle where corn is its own food group.

Anyway, I wish I felt a little more "empowered" or "gave a shit" about this victory for juicy booties everywhere, but instead I don't feel anything at all. That could also be due to my not moving in the past two hours. But I digress. Last night's finale, was a total letdown. This year should have been hot. The final runway showdown was going to be a Versace affair. Versace? Holy fashion gods! But perhaps because it was under the art direction of my favorite Tacky Rican Jay Manuel it was too fabulous. Too much glitter, too much tacky. The gowns were okay but you couldn't really see anything. Think about it. Isn't "Project Runway" and even "Full Frontal Fashion's" comparitively basic white set design a far better way to see which model is the fiercest? And that was another problem. Neither of final two was very fierce at all when it came to knowing how to get their stomp on. Anya's walk was more of a scurry and Whitney's wiggle, though thankfully more authoritative, wasn't much better.

As is usually the case, Tyra and her panel were operating in a parallel universe of perception. They kept talking about Whitney's immense beauty and about what a bombshell she is. And I loved how they kept trying to assign this alter ego thing to her. What is she Cybil? The only thing they got right was when Tyra said to Whitney when she was selected to be one of the final two, " you're not a nice girl are you Whitney" or something fucked up and weird like that. All I saw was a watered down Anna Nicole with to' up extensions. But then this is the same show that takes the experiment in real-time airbrushing that is Mr. Jay seriously. Me thinks I doth expect too much.

And P.S. -- if ya'll wanted a juicy booty which seemed to be last night's buzz words, you would have been better served to pick Toccara -- the juicy bootiest of them all.